Do Not Starve Yourself, it Isn't Good For You!

I have a disturbing confession to make. I have been starving myself, not of food or affection but of spending money. . . on me. I am the saver in our family. It scares me to see our bank account dwindle. In times of high financial stress I don't even like to go grocery shopping. (The funny thing is that when I don't go grocery shopping, we eat out . . . thus spending more than we should, it is a vicious circle.)

My Darling Husband is the spender, but he allows me to tell him when he can and cannot spend. He knows it is hard for me, so he tends to put his requests in advance, so that I can plan, prepare, and approve. He even accepts it when I say no (although I never really say no, just "not now?") I put off buying a new iron for nearly two years.

Because I put off buying things we need, when money comes in I already have a long Priority List of what it needs to be spent on. I always put things I need or want at the very bottom of the Priority List. I can always make do just a little longer so that Scott, Danny, our home, our car, etc. can get what they need/want. I will even put off what I want for family's birthdays, Christmas, and desperate situations.

After everything is met, and I am ready to get something for me, I will put off even more on the "Just in Case" clause in my brain. "Just in Case" we need it for something unknown and unexpected in the near future, and something always comes up.

This has been building for a long time, and lately I have found myself becoming frustrated easily. Any unnecessary expenditure that puts me out a little further, grates my spirit. I don't like it, so I bottle it up. I tell myself I am being totally foolish and ridiculous (which I am, I know it) and I swallow my pride and let it go. Rinse, Repeat.

My Sweetheart tries to help me. He tells me to get something just for me. He even sets money aside for me to do it. When that happens, my little selfish side that I usually ignore starts getting excited. But I am not used to listening to it, so the voice is hard to hear. The Priority List still speaks loudly. It can take days of thinking about what I want, sifting through the many desires of my heart to find what I want the MOST! (I don't want to waste it on something temporary.) Often by the time I have settled into a few things, the money I had set aside for myself is needed elsewhere, and the opportunity lost. Why? Because I let it go. Rather than put off something else and being firm, I give up what I want and get just a little more tired of doing it.

My Grandfather was a great believer in Pocket Money. He knew that we each need to spend a little bit on ourselves, so he gave it a name and budgeted for it. Whenever I went to his house, he would slip me a $20 bill and say "this is your pocket money, spend it on whatever you want." The key with pocket money is consistency. We do not eat once a week or even once a month, that would be bad. We eat three meals a day. I am not saying we need 3 twenty dollar bills a day, but I think a little bit for ourselves from every paycheck would be nice. I just have to change my mindset and guard that little bit from my Priority List with a passion. My Husband and My Grandfather are right, you need to give to yourself too!